by Paula Thomas deLong, MA, CEAP, Manager, FIRSTCALL EAP
Due to current world conflicts, American military personnel are being deployed to near and remote parts of the world. The military person is not the only person who undergoes change. Co-workers will have to undertake additional responsibilities, children will be challenged into new family roles and spouses will be stretched in time, energy and tasks.
At the end of a tour, the military person and those at home look forward to reunion. Anticipated reunions carry with them high expectations, relief and joy as well as worry, anxiousness, fear and disorientation. After all, during the deployment separation, the world continued to turn and changes occurred—some small; some significant. The flaws of our fantasy may have kept situations, people and lifestyle frozen from the point of separation. All parties will need time to adjust to a slightly different world with slightly different people.
Reunions and work
The returning military person may be concerned about fitting back into the workplace. S/he may wonder who performed my job during my active duty. Was the job done the way I wanted it to be? Do I just take over again now? Who are these new hires?
The military person may need to readjust to the environment and pace of the job too. The home job expectations may be different from active duty rules, times and demands. In addition, the business owner or job itself may have changed during the troop’s time away.
If the troop was a supervisor, s/he may need to live with the decisions of others in job processes and personnel matters. The returning deployed person may wonder about the rationale for some changes on the job especially since the changes were instituted without his/her input. The work group may have people in it that do not know the returning deployed person and building a relationship with individuals and a productive work team may be the returning person’s first task.
Colleagues at work may expect that the returning military person will be just the same as before. This may or may not be true. Co-workers may not understand an adjustment time that the military person needs to cope with possible war trauma. There will need to be a phasing in period or the need for the re-deployed person to take a vacation between active duty and the return to work. Some co-workers may be resentful because of the extra duty required of them to “pull together” during a colleague’s deployment. They want a break themselves. They deserve it too!
The key is to go slowly. The returning military person would do well to inquire about rather than criticize changes at work. Co-workers must respect each other’s point of view and respect each other’s experiences during the deployed person’s absence. Returning military may have the need to talk about their experiences and they must recognize that those who stayed behind have interesting things about their lives to tell as well. The reunion is a process of respectful relationship renewal.
Reunions and family life
Deployed parents should anticipate behavior changes in their children. A young child may regress upon a parent’s return. The young child might be scared of the returning parent. The young child could have disturbed sleep or temporarily lose developmental accomplishments. This could be because of the child’s foggy memory of the military parent, the need to share the stay-at-home parent and a general confusion about the absence in the first place.
Older children may have undertaken additional household or sibling care responsibilities and as a result gained independence and confidence. The older child deserves respect and gratitude for meeting these challenges and s/he may or may not be ready to relinquish the esteem and status that the new, albeit temporary, role provided. The returning parent will need to understand and appreciate this growth in his or her child and not feel displaced and unneeded. The returning parent needs to go slowly in the role transition. With an older child, there is the opportunity for the parent to share h/h experiences and listen to the child’s experience while s/he was away.
During couple’s separation the at home spouse may have been exhausted by added responsibilities. On the other hand, the spouse at home may have developed new interests and hobbies, new methods for doing things around the home and new confidence. The at home spouse may be quite ready to share responsibilities again or feel anxious about the deployed person attempting to “take over.” The returning spouse may be inclined to do so because s/he feels threatened and disconnected. Both parties must employ the go slowly tactic in order to avoid hurt and increase understanding to make the resumed shared responsibilities work well. The couple may even negotiate new roles and job shares.
During deployment those at home and those deployed have the opportunity to communicate with loved ones not only by letter but by email, instant messaging, video conferencing and telephone. Loved ones embrace these methods as a way of sustaining relationships and giving peace of mind. Reunions mean the return to face to face communication. In person communication includes total messaging like no electronic or telephonic communication can. Face to face communication gives a more complete opportunity to share experiences and to explore feelings, fears and meanings.
Given that sex may be a preoccupation of the couple during deployment, it can become a dominant focus upon reunion. Still there may be relationship strain with suspicions of infidelity. Worries about unfaithfulness are more frequent than real occurrences. If trust and fidelity pre-existed in the relationship, it is likely that it was sustained during the deployment. If mutually desired, resuming sexual relations may be easy to fulfill. Nevertheless couples must get in-touch with each other and renew emotional intimacy and comfort with one another as well. This re-aquaintance may take time. Each person has grown in his/her own sphere during deployment and couples need to give each other time to adjust to the evolving partner.
Reunions are successful when all parties are given the time for re-entry. This gives everyone the chance to respectfully switch realities, digest experiences, negotiate and re-discover the relationship. So, go slowly.
For more insight into re-deployment and reunion issues and others pertaining to current matters involving the military lifestyle, go to:
Marriage & Deployment (from the U.S. Army)