Is forgiveness the way to happiness? Each of us can recall times when we were hurt and the way we have dealt with those events impacts our happiness and well-being. Some people form grievances and become stuck in a cycle of pain and despair. Holding on to grudges and unresolved anger can be unhealthy.

Recently, some psychologists have been studying how to change the pain that results from these long-held, unhealed wounds; they offer us the science of forgiveness. While it may not get top press coverage, there is a growing investment in understanding how forgiveness works.

In his book, Forgive For Good (Harper Collins 2002), Frederic Luskin, PhD, defines forgiveness as “the experience of peace and understanding that can be felt in the present moment.” It comes from “challenging the rigid rules you have for other people’s behavior and by focusing your attention on the good things in your life as opposed to the bad.” Forgiveness comes from a conscious choice to change your thinking, leading to a habit of “extending your moments of peacefulness.”

He explains that a grudge is formed through three things:

  • taking personal offense when something you did not want happened
  • blaming the offender for how you feel
  • creating a grievance story

The solution also consists of three basic components:

  • taking something less personally
  • taking responsibility for your feelings
  • telling a positive intention story

Easier said than done! Through a series of practical steps, however, Dr. Luskin offers a prescription to regain a sense of control over your feelings, to re-energize yourself, to make better decisions and to refocus on your positive goals in life in order to move forward. Dr. Luskin has outlined nine steps in the process of forgiveness:

  1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
  2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
  3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
  4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes—or ten years—ago.
  5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
  6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.
  7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
  8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
  9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Finally and very important, Luskin says to learn to forgive yourself: for feeling you failed in some way, for not taking action you thought necessary to help yourself or someone else, for hurting someone else, and/or for self-destructive acts. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and that you did the best you could. It is time to move on to a happier, healthier future you are creating for yourself.

These are just a few ideas about forgiveness. If you are stuck and need further assistance with a problem, please contact FIRSTCALL, your Employee Assistance Program at 1.800.382.2377 for a free, confidential appointment, in person or by telephone, with one of our counselors.

Frederic Luskin, PhD is the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project. For additional information, visit their web site at Stanford Forgiveness Project.